Ridiculous?

Why do people still think I'm ridiculous?

I mean, give me break. I also deserve a good happy ending of my high school years.  Especially because these four years at this school was crap.
I listen to sad music while I'm eating. 

Oh and I have ruined a friendship with a very nice girl, and I don't know what I've done wrong, that only makes it worse.

That guy I liked for two years. My heart wants him close to her, but my head says no. My head says: 'I don't think that you still feel the same for him. You don't love him anymore.'
And maybe my head is right and I don't love him. He let me hang out for too long and he has killed me.

Dutch

I had me first exam this morning at nine o'clock in the morning until eleven o'clock. But I was ready at half past ten. At eleven o'clock you could take your sheet with questions home with you. I'm home now and I'm bored. That can't actually, because I have to learn Dutch for tomorrow. Friday I have economy exam. This week I have three exams. Next week I have four exams. Two in one day. I think this can be two exhausting weeks. I'm still very nervous.

Again I went to the supermarket, to buy food. I really should stop doing that .... Maybe after my exams. I need to lose weight, that isn't really going to work if you eat a lot of candy. But like I already said ... after my exams I'm going for it! 

Insecure

I'm so nervous that I eat a bowl of chips very quickly. The bowl was empty before I even noticed that I was eating. I am learning for tomorrow, but it's just really difficult because I can't get it in my head. All these difficult words. 
Art appreciation is just really hard. For my practice exams I have failing grades and that really makes me insecure.
And instead of learning right now, I'm writing my blog.

I hope I'm not too nervous tomorrow that I'm going to fail the exam ... 

Faith of destiny?

I'm like a fly that is trying to save himself out of a spider web before the spider arrives to eat him. I'm trying to save myself out of every awkward conversation. I'm trying to save myself from the moment I'm going to lose my friends. I'm trying to prepare myself for it, but I can't. Because I don't know if, when, where and how it's going to happen. And that is iritating. Why isn't my life just written in a book called; 'Future of a girl who doesn't know what is going to happen.'
Is everything that is happening faith of destiny? Is it wrong to always think about the bad side, because if it is going well, then the setback is very less.
Does life means making choices or does everything happen by chance? Because if life was about making choices than I could never escape from that spider web. But if everything in life happened by chance than I need a miracle. 

Decisions

What is wrong with me? One serie has become more important then my life. Why am I watching a serie instead of learning for my exams? This obsession of me had to stop.
After these two weeks I can watch every serie I want. And I could go whenever where ever I want.

Why am I being so foolish not doing something important in my life.

I better start working now. My mom is coming home any minute and she shouldn't find me in my room watching a serie. Then she will be angry, then I'll yell at her. Then we start arguing and my night will be ruined. So my decision is not to let that happen and start working instead.

For one time I might be thinking...

And by the way my mom has been nice to me. She always asks me what I want when she is in the supermarket, like what kind of candy I want. And I was allowed to cut my hair of her money, what I normally had to pay myself. On one condition; that I work hard for my exams. I haven't really done that. So I'm going to make that happen today. I think that is a good plan, because I also promissed my brother to do that. 

My Life Sucks

There are two guys who tell me they want me, but they don't talk to me at all. It's frustrating. And I don't know who I should choose. If it was a contest and they would fight for me, but they don't.
The feeling of losing your friends makes me sad. Maybe I should pay more attention to my friends, but they also didn't asked me how I felt. So that made me why I don't ask them how they feel. I'm a bad friend, but I've been that my whole life.
Maybe I should focus on my exam and not on my love life.

I'm going to practice a drawing exam and a Dutch exam today. 

Tomorrow I have my first exam in my entire life. 

My life sucks... 

From Bad to Worse

The weather hasn't become any better. Why isn't it just summer already? It has been raining all day. It sucks.
I need to take a chillaxative. I can do these exams. I will pass. I just need to work a little harder from now on, because I'm still not doing a lot for it.

He hasn't texted me for three days, it's not very weird, because he's also in exam time. 
It's obvi I'm sad about it, but maybe it's better this way. I mean he does live on the other side of the world. So that why it's probably never going to work between us, and I think I'm cool with that. 

M&M's

I got a bag of M&M's from my mother. I only eat the brown M&Ms, because there is less dyes in it. Because chocolate itself is brown. Maybe I'm too picky. With love, vegetables, bread, friends, life. It's probably a fable of the brown M & M's. Maybe I just need to eat the other M&M's too. It's difficult to take away from habits. It's hard to say farewell to anything you had. 
I've also got two chocolate bars from my mother. On one stands almost my name. One milk chocolate and one white chocolate, with both puffed rice in it.

Another example, I don't like dark chocolate, does that make me picky? 

Once in a lifetime

I'm going to tweak. My exams are starting over 2 days. It's killing me. I'm so nervous, I don't know what to expect from the test. And my love life is going from bad to worse. I can't take it anymore. I'm full of stress! 
What if I get a call that I did not make it. OMG the thought of that makes me crazy. Then I can't go to England and than I can't do fun things.

Okay, that's just making me more nervous.

I need to stop thinking like that, and just work hard today and tomorrow. And the next ten days.

OMG this is a once in a lifetime!!

And it's not that the weather really makes it better. It's raining for three days now. All day. That makes me a little sad, because I just want it to be summer. There was a day of lightning, and that's really not fun. Because I'm afraid of thunderstorms. Especially since we live in a wooden house.

My Exams

Yesterday I didn't do anything to my preparation for my exam, so I have to work hard today.

And tomorrow.

*Sigh*

 If I don't pass my exams this year, I'm still a year in prison, called high school.

So I must succed, of I will die.

 ....

Big Fail Mary

There is a guy who always talks to me, at the moment I've decided to stop. 
I loved him, but not anymore as much as I used to. 
And now I want to say that it's over, but I do not know how. 

It's a total Big Fail Mary.

Graduating

I'm graduating this year and I really need to succeed.
I am very nervous for my exams.
If I am out of this school, I am very happy.
Over four days the exams begin, 
The stress begins to mount.

You must work harder

Says my conscience, 
but I do not know how. 

But I must and will succeed!

My History

My history is past now.
I am going to say goodbye to what happened.
Some of the memories will stay in my head,
And i can't make peace with that.

I love you

That doesn't mean much more to me, 

but I hope I meet a nice guy some day in the future, 

And that I have the guts to say 'I love you'

A guy who loves me and take me as I am

...

 I've said goodbye to many friends, 
Because I lose them, 
Heartbreaking is that, 
That happens to me for seventeen years now, 
You never get used to it.

I am Katharina.

I am Katharina and my life is hell. I failed in love and I have made mistakes, that I would like to rollback. I am insecure and let people scratching on my heart. I am trying to lose weight, but I can't somehow. : (

Enough with the I's.

He now has time for me,
But he has hurt me.

I have feelings you know...

I'm done with that nagging, now I have no time for him. 

I'm doing my exams. 

And I have to pass this year!

I'm sorry!